Parenting is Divine

Growing up I never understood the purposes in marriage. I never saw it as a companionship; this was because I never saw my parents converse with one another throughout the day. They were always just focused on us and not each other. But later I found out they would conversate when the kids went to bed.

My parents are planners. They were planners from the very beginning. They set goals and plans as to how to manage a family. Their goal was to bring forth good and hardworking people to this society. This desire came from their own experiences. My dad came from a family with a lack of parent figures. My mom comes from a family with a lack of father figures. They recognized how these perks affected them and their siblings. My parents felt their own family deserve better. They read books, went to parent meetings, and sought advice from professionals.  One of their number one rules was to avoid spanking and hitting; another was avoiding vulgar language. They held true to these for all four of us.

Parenting is crucial to a child’s development. The way you parent can really set the tone of that person’s life. I’m not a parent yet but I understood the importance when I served a two-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Being a new missionary, you have a trainer to show you the ropes on how to be a successful. We had a special booklet to follow as well as exercises or activities to practice skills and techniques. When I would run into my peers some of them expressed that their trainers were lazy and didn’t have them work according to the books. This happened pretty often amongst my friends which made it difficult when I would be paired off with them because they would either be lazy or not confident in their occupation. 

I imagined trainers to be like parents. They are there to set the tone and skills necessary to achieve success in your occupation. After seeing our program not being so effective by my peers I had the desire to prepare myself in being a trainer. I worked hard, I studied, and practiced habits to see what helped in making us successful. Others I knew did the same. By the time I trained my own missionaries I strived to make sure they were firm in all aspects of being a missionary. We read our manuals, we practiced, and did all that we could to be effective. Part of being a good trainer was communication. There were many times when I had to follow up with my trainees and see how they were doing mentally, physically, and emotionally. This bonded us; this helped us gain trust and love for each other. As a result, I was able to follow up and see them train others and be successful.

On the two-year mission I came to realize that I cared about our occupation. I cared about the program and I wanted to do good by training good people, so we can bring good to others and spread love and happiness. When I returned home, I gained the desire to be a parent. My desire is to bring in good children with a foundation of faith, love, and charity. I want to bring forth kids who will bless the community. But easier said than done.

Parenting takes careful planning and the right attitude. As of right now I’m studying the importance of emotional coaching. An emotional coach is a parenting style. It is when you are engaged in your children’s words, thoughts, and feelings. Emotion coaching is a technique that helps children understand their feelings. When parents emotion coach, their children learn how emotions work and how to react to feelings in healthy ways. Emotion coaching starts by recognizing your child’s feelings. These recognitions are perfect opportunities to learn and grow together. Try it out!

You Cannot Dodge Finances in Marriage: Prepare Now!

Couples have an anticipation for the most important event of their lives; this is marriage. Yes, love within marriage is important but I’ve learned that marriage requires preparation. There have been many occasions where people ask, “Who is going to manage the finances in the marriage?” Many have not even discussed this topic.

How important are money management and finances in marriage and family affairs? There is a high percentage of divorces being traced to quarrels and accusations over money. There are other estimations that divorces result from clashes over finances. Some professional counselors indicated that four out of five families are strapped with serious money problems.

Marriage struggles are not caused by lack of money, but by the mismanagement of personal finances. Money management should be on a partnership basis between the wife and husband. Both parties should have a voice in decision. When children come in the picture, they too should be involved with money concern. 

My sister, who has six kids, is a master of money management. Her and her husband have weekly accountability with finances. They have a book to keep record of what they’re spending and what needs to be paid off. They occasionally share concern of finances with their children to help them understand their way of spending. There has been times where I see the little ones complaining of how little food they think they have at the dinner table. In response, the older children express the value of money and how much they’ve gone through. Diner table has been conditioned to be a time of love and gratitude for what they have.

Teaching family members early is an importance of working and earning. In other words, children should be taught to work. “I think it is unfortunate for a child to grow up in a home where the seed is planted in the child’s mind that there is a family money tree that automatically drops green stuff once a month.” I couldn’t agree more with this statement from Marvin J. Ashton.

            People should consider self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters. Married couples show consideration and maturity when they are thinking of their partners and families before making own selfish impulses.

            I thank my sister in teaching me this one. She always asks the question, “Do you need it or want it.” I can’t tell you how many times she has said that. But it is true and should be considered. I love clothes and buying what’s new. I’ve been taught to remember that materialistic things do not last forever. If you need clothes, then shop smarter. In my family I’ve been taught to be mindful of deals and discounts stores may offer. Sometimes I even go to my local Thrift Shop to get a better bargain. 

            “Use a budget!” my sister says. We should avoid finance charges, except for homes, education, and other vital investments. Marvin J. Ashton said, “Avoid installment credit and be careful with your use of credit cards. They are principally for convenience and should not be used carelessly or recklessly. Buy used items until you have saved sufficient money to purchase quality new items. Save and invest a specific percent of income. Learn the principle of obedience and meet your financial obligations promptly.”

            Overall, money should be handled promptly. It’s for our achievement and happiness when done right. Following the “What I need” idea can really come a long way in the future. As a man of spirituality, I am confident to say that God can help manage our weakness in spending and finances. His hand is always extended to help us. With service, love, obedience. And diligence, things will always work out.

COMMUNICATION = LOVE

Communication is a powerful tool that can bind individuals together. When I searched this term, three definitions daunted me: 

1.) It is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. 

2.) It is a letter or message containing information or news.

3.) It is the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.

This is what I gathered together for myself. Communication is an exchange or giving of information that can make one successful. In our daily conversation we are given information. We get good and bad feedback. But, no matter what, retrieving this information can be good even if it is given with negativity. Feedback helps us grow, observe ourselves, and learn.

Communication is the way to strengthen a relationship. I’ve encountered man people who ended relationships because of a lack of communication. I found that it was hard for these people to recover from these past relationships. I’ve realized that a lot of people lack closure, or in other words, a lack of communication. I’ll share with you an example of how a lack of communication can be unhealthy. Especially when ending a relationship.

I was in a five-year relationship. We both had plans of someday getting married to each other. I was in love with her. I was so excited to make vows with my best friend. But then, life started getting difficult. We both strived to hang on to our promises. But one day it all changed. One day I shared with her my struggles and insecurities and sought for her love and support. She panicked and left me. It’s been a year now and I still don’t know why she left. She never gave me a solid reason why. I was just having a bad day, shared a concern, and hoped she would help me. I assume she wasn’t having a bad day too and made the decision off of her emotions. It’s a mystery. We lacked communication. Could you imagine what this did to me? It’s obvious. I was left confused. I lacked closure. I was left with my imagination to believe that there were a lot of things wrong with me. It’s been a year since this happen and I am still recovering. What I learned from this experience is everyone deserves an explanation behind every action they take.

Communication is the biggest thing I value when it comes to a relationship. Every date I’ve been on I make sure to make communication a priority. I’d admit, I’ve probably let down a few girls the past year by not being fully committed in being in a relationship. But, I make sure I give them closure because I don’t want them to suffer like the way I did. These girls deserve an explanation. It may be hard, but I believe that this strengthens us. Communication or not, we are still learning. But, we are more successful when we are conversing with one another.

This goes for the family. Communication is needed in the bonds of marriage. Life gets hard. Both partners should be open in conversation to endure the negativities of life. I look to my parents when it comes to endurance and communication. When things get hard they always checked on each other. They would have counsels on where they were emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. If one of these three things were lacking, they would work to fix it. As a result, their marriage has lasted for 40 years. They are still going. Today it has been difficult. They are empty nesters and are caught up in a very simple routine. My dad has been isolated to his phone and my mom, her shows. The more they avoid each other, the more insecurities started seeping in. Both of them believed that they were not happy with each other. But they realized that they were caught in the web of the media and forgotten about their vows. They were able to recognize this and find ways on how they can improve. They continue because they communicate.

Family Crises. A Bitter Sweet Experience

Family Crises. A Bitter Sweet Experience

We all face some sort of family crises. Humanity is exposed to different stressors, whether it be finances, lack of intimacy, addictions, and so on. How can we endure these crises? I will let you determine that as I share a few experiences.

When I was a child, I never understood the relationship between a father and mother. I never saw support or contribution from my father. This was because he was never home, and he was always working. My mother and siblings were the only relationships I felt I had. I remember one night my mom woke me up. She sat beside my bed and started to cry. She expressed to me that she was missing my father. She told me that he was coming home late because he would spend time with his brothers right after his shift. I remember her saying, “He doesn’t care about me. All he cares about is his immediate family!” I was so confused at this moment but understood that my mom had a love for her husband. That’s when I had the idea that maybe husband, and wives are supposed to be intimate, working together, and build a family together. Looking back, I realized that a stressor in the family can be a lack of support. For example, my mom lacked emotional support. She told me stories of all the great experiences she had with my dad early in marriage. My mom expressed that her relationship digressed the more he worked and avoided the family. But this improved over the years. They met with a therapist and made a few steps to get back on track. Now they have been married for 40years and are still going strong.

Another story involves my brother. When I was about 7-8 years old my mom did the same thing. She sat on the edge of my bed and started crying about something in her life. She shared with me that my older brother was involved in drugs and alcohol. One night he came home drunk and started yelling and being aggressive with my parents and siblings. This upset my family because we grew up with standards. My older brother was a kind and sweet man, but yet he adopted unhealthy habits. My parents come from a culture of being healthy. This scared them because they were aware of the possibilities of bad brain development for him. My brother’ stopped going to school and his grades dropped. After seeing my mother’s response, I too was upset. Being a child, I had this idea that my brother was going to die because of drugs and alcohol. One night I was overwhelmed with emotions and couldn’t help but bury myself in my older brother’s chest and tell him that I didn’t want him to drink and smoke anymore. Ever since this day I can’t remember a time where he picked up those habits again. My brother graduated, got a great job, and is healthier than ever.

The list continues for family crises’. My last story involves my middle brother. This was when he was 17 years old (Junior in Highschool). One night he came home in despair. My parents knew something was off, so they took him in their bedroom and asked what was up. With no delay he confessed to them that he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. My mom comforted him and started making plans on how he can prepare. My dad felt like a failure and left the room. They didn’t see it then, but this drove my brother to be one of the most hard-working men I know. He learned to put his family first. He learned the value behind money. He failed, succeeded, and failed again. He always got up and was willing to humble himself and make sacrifices. Even though this was a struggle for our family financially and emotionally, things always worked out.

Even though we may not see the future, life crises can be handled. They can somehow turn out to be something good. In my family it happened to be bitter sweet.

We Need to Teach Children Intimacy 

Intimacy is an important part of our relationships with others. In my studies I have learned that to understand intimacy, we must first understand the purpose of families/relationships. Why are families a thing? What is their purpose? I’ll let you ponder on those questions.

We must understand our roles to each other. Teaching human intimacy is a vital role to the human race. Why? It’s because intimacy is a special thing; it is an expression of love to a person. It is a topic that can help children be prepared. Why do you think children need to prepare and be taught this knowledge?

If your goal is to teach your children important morals to help them be wiser individuals, I would say, “Educate them on what love and intimacy is.” There are a few angles we can teach this. First, teach your children what a morally/wise person is by example. Then teach your children the value behind every human being. Teach them that everyone has special gifts and intelligence that hold worth. Teach your children to use these gifts in the way they are best suited to establish good and healthy relationships with others. 

By your example and teachings, your children should know and understand what a wise person is. As you stick with your goals and stay consistent in example, your children have a good chance in being good parents themselves. Honor and encourage one another. 

I hope you that a great responsibility in life is being not just a good parent, but a great one. You create conditions and circumstances. You have the power to encourage. Everything you do can bring the blessing of intimate individuals. This means developing people who are kind, loving, and willing to serve others (being intimate.) Intimacy is all about building.

A good parent is someone who is an emotional coach. This is someone who listens carefully to their child’s emotions and takes these moments to teach.  This will help your children become proud, secure, and happy individuals. This will build your relationship and will essentially rub off on them, leading them to do the same with individuals they encounter. 

The more you communicate with your child with love, the better chance you have in having a human being who loves and trusts you. Your child will love you and will look to you when they hve questions. Once you gain their trust, this is the perfect time to teach. Someday you will have the privilege to teach them sexual intimacy. Having their trust is vital. They will seek to learn and ask for this type of information someday. So, be ready!

For me, sexual intimacy is not appropriate before marriage. I fear that many relationships rush in their development together. We human beings tend to rush and skip the important steps in a relationship. In my eyes it’s important to know someone, then trust them, rely on them, commit to them, and engage in some degree of physical tough. When a relationship is focused on touch then that can define that relationship. I know many couples who engaged in sexual activity before marriage and admitted that they didn’t really know their partner at all. They just saw them as someone who is nice to cuddle or sleep with in bed. 

I believe it’s important to date and really get to know a person. Once you understand the content of their heart, then we can move on to trusting them, relying on them, committing to them, and touching them (simply a hug or holding hands). I feel if men and women waited to be sexually intimate (intercourse) till marriage it will be better for the relationship. How? Well, because after knowing them, trusting, relying, and committing you can learn who they really are. You then can appreciate them and express your love in a way through touch, hence intimacy. Now, how should we teach this to children. My answer, “I’m not a professional.” But, my advice is to educate yourself and teach your children at a time where you find it best. Every child is different and unique. Be yourself, be good, and be wise. Be that awesome parent. Your wisdom will open doors that will help you communicate with your children in a way where they will be blessed.

NOURISH, NOURISH, NOURISH!

My thoughts in this matter are focused on the teachings from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

“Marriage would be happier if nurtured more carefully.” These are wise words from a man name Russell M. Nelson.

 I came across an article, focused on the value of nurturing in marriage. There were many thoughts and insights I came across that may add value to people who are religious and are striving to add good morals to the home. 

Mr. Nelson starts off his speech by sharing a story. He said:

“On a recent flight, I sat behind a husband and wife. She obviously loved her husband. As she stroked the back of his neck I could see her wedding ring. She would nestle close to him and rest her head upon his shoulder, seeking his companionship.

In contrast, he seemed totally oblivious to her presence. He was focused solely upon an electronic game player. During the entire flight, his attention was riveted upon that device. Not once did he look at her, speak to her, or acknowledge her yearning for affection.

His inattention made me feel like shouting: “Open your eyes, man! Can’t you see? Pay attention! Your wife loves you! She needs you!”

Sometimes we may feel the same way, being concerned of someone’s relationship. These experiences are good. They help us learn and observe the possibilities of what the future my look like. These experiences can mold us to become better spouses. 

Marriage brings happiness. This courtship adds more joy than does any other human relationship. Yet, there are many couples who fall short in reaching their full potential. They let their romance slacken allowing other interests to cloud the vision of what marriage really could be. Everyone experiences trials and become distracted. Many forget their vows and promsses they make in the beginning of marriage. Being mindful of this can possibly save and prepare you on how you can better nourish your marriage.

Russell M. Nelson gave three suggestions to strengthen marriage. They are three action verbs: to appreciate, to communicate, and to contemplate. 

He said, “To appreciate—to say “I love you” and “thank you”—is not difficult. But these expressions of love and appreciation do more than acknowledge a kind thought or deed. They are signs of sweet civility. As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described in those compliments.”

 Second is to communicate with your spouse. This includes planning together. Couples need time to observe, talk, and really listen to each other. Cooperating will help them become more united in the bonds of marriage. They should strive to motivate each other. This unity can sustain them when goals are equally understood. Both in partnership should be on the same page.

Russel M. Nelson continues, “My third suggestion is to contemplate. This word has deep meaning. It comes from Latin roots: con, meaning “with,” and templum, meaning “a space or place to meditate.” It is the root from which the word temple comes.” Essentially our home is a temple. It is a place where rules and laws of respect and unity are established. Contemplation allows one to anticipate and to resonate with each other; this will nourish the marriage.

Each married partner should consider these suggestions by practicing them, then determine specific goals to nurture their own relationship. This all begins with sincere desire and the right attitude. Above all, they should strive to not be selfish! May we consider appreciation, communication, and contemplation in our relationships.

Thinking About Relationships

Have you ever thought about the kind of person you want to marry? Growing up, I never understood the importance of family; I never thought about the values behind marriage. I just saw it as two people interested in each other and so they went to court, moved in with each other, and that’s it. But as I matured, I started studying the family and the pros and cons in marriage. For me, the pros have outweighed the cons. I have come to value the importance of relationships. Eventually, I would like to get to know someone enough where I can someday take their hand in marriage and live a life full of progress and wisdom. But it all starts somewhere. It starts at dating.

Dating is very popular in the city of Rexburg, Idaho. Everyone is striving to find someone who is compatible to their needs. I’ve been on many dates; I struggle in finding someone who I best connect with. In my experience, I’ve wondered if there is a “one and only” for me. Is there a perfect match? And will I discover them? These questions are very romantic and dreamy but are not realistic. I came across an article that said, “There is no such thing as a perfect woman. If there was, what makes you think she would be interested in you?” This taught me that no one is perfect. Everyone has a weakness. Every relationship has their ups and downs. You can approach any couple and ask if there was one thing they didn’t like about the other. Big or small, there will be something.

I once believed that marriages were perfect. I believed this because I came across many married couples who showed no display of anger or anxiety. But I was wrong. There is much more that goes behind the scenes. I learned this from my parents. In a social setting, they are always happy and loving towards each other. Yes, they stay the same behind doors too but once one person in the relationship makes a choice that offends the other, that’s when disconnection and fights happen. Disagreements occur. I found this downgrading when I first discovered it. But then I realized that these fights are perfect opportunities to learn and grow with each other. It takes two to tangle; it also takes two to untangle and start again. In relationships people tend to “fall in and out of love.” But people shouldn’t worry falling in love can really strengthen a marriage far beyond than it once was. I’ll use my sister for an example.

My sister was the bread winner in the family with a stay home husband who took care of six kids. The oldest child was 10 years old. The youngest was a newborn. Around this time her husband failed to take care of the children. He wasted time by surfing the web and social media. My sister felt like she was doing everything on her home. When she would vent to her fellow mothers she learned that their husbands were always helpful. Their husbands always took initiative. This got her upset. She saw her husband to be very lazy. The more she picked on his weaknesses, the more she was falling out of love. She was forgetting the love she had for her husband. She was forgetting why she fell in love with him in the first place. This all changed when her husband realized his role. He saw that he wasn’t being a provider in the home. I’m not sure where and how this change happened but he started job searching. He found a job that paid very well. He started helping around the house a lot more. He started engaging in chores, story time, and dinner. When these positive habits started presenting itself, my sister was slowly falling in love with him again. They eventually talked about it. He shared with her why he’s been lazy. She learned that his actions were a reflection of his child development. She recognized these early years affected him and wanted to help.

My sister and him communicated more. They were more honest than ever. My sister has said, “Because of this trial we have learned more about each other. I am in love with him more than ever.”