Thinking About Relationships

Have you ever thought about the kind of person you want to marry? Growing up, I never understood the importance of family; I never thought about the values behind marriage. I just saw it as two people interested in each other and so they went to court, moved in with each other, and that’s it. But as I matured, I started studying the family and the pros and cons in marriage. For me, the pros have outweighed the cons. I have come to value the importance of relationships. Eventually, I would like to get to know someone enough where I can someday take their hand in marriage and live a life full of progress and wisdom. But it all starts somewhere. It starts at dating.

Dating is very popular in the city of Rexburg, Idaho. Everyone is striving to find someone who is compatible to their needs. I’ve been on many dates; I struggle in finding someone who I best connect with. In my experience, I’ve wondered if there is a “one and only” for me. Is there a perfect match? And will I discover them? These questions are very romantic and dreamy but are not realistic. I came across an article that said, “There is no such thing as a perfect woman. If there was, what makes you think she would be interested in you?” This taught me that no one is perfect. Everyone has a weakness. Every relationship has their ups and downs. You can approach any couple and ask if there was one thing they didn’t like about the other. Big or small, there will be something.

I once believed that marriages were perfect. I believed this because I came across many married couples who showed no display of anger or anxiety. But I was wrong. There is much more that goes behind the scenes. I learned this from my parents. In a social setting, they are always happy and loving towards each other. Yes, they stay the same behind doors too but once one person in the relationship makes a choice that offends the other, that’s when disconnection and fights happen. Disagreements occur. I found this downgrading when I first discovered it. But then I realized that these fights are perfect opportunities to learn and grow with each other. It takes two to tangle; it also takes two to untangle and start again. In relationships people tend to “fall in and out of love.” But people shouldn’t worry falling in love can really strengthen a marriage far beyond than it once was. I’ll use my sister for an example.

My sister was the bread winner in the family with a stay home husband who took care of six kids. The oldest child was 10 years old. The youngest was a newborn. Around this time her husband failed to take care of the children. He wasted time by surfing the web and social media. My sister felt like she was doing everything on her home. When she would vent to her fellow mothers she learned that their husbands were always helpful. Their husbands always took initiative. This got her upset. She saw her husband to be very lazy. The more she picked on his weaknesses, the more she was falling out of love. She was forgetting the love she had for her husband. She was forgetting why she fell in love with him in the first place. This all changed when her husband realized his role. He saw that he wasn’t being a provider in the home. I’m not sure where and how this change happened but he started job searching. He found a job that paid very well. He started helping around the house a lot more. He started engaging in chores, story time, and dinner. When these positive habits started presenting itself, my sister was slowly falling in love with him again. They eventually talked about it. He shared with her why he’s been lazy. She learned that his actions were a reflection of his child development. She recognized these early years affected him and wanted to help.

My sister and him communicated more. They were more honest than ever. My sister has said, “Because of this trial we have learned more about each other. I am in love with him more than ever.”

Same- Sex Attraction and the Respect For Choices

Same- Sex Attraction and the Respect For Choices

Everyone has a choice. I promote passion and love for individuals who struggle from same sex attraction.

Many individuals who have struggled with this enjoyed it but have come to learn that they were not happy. Many homosexuals didn’t choose to have these feelings. These feelings were developed at a young age.

I’ve often wondered, “what causes these feelings of attraction for a person of the same sex?” Experts have given some possibilities. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi (clinical psychologist) has said there is no evidence that it is biologically or pre-genetically pre-determined. There is more evidence for early childhood factors especially from the relationship of parents that determine an individual’s state of attraction in the future. Floyd Godfrey (who worked with 900 individuals with unwanted same-sex attraction) said that everyone has factors and needs.

 There are different contributing factors. Not everyone may have all of them but are eventually drawn to same-sex attraction. One of the potential contributing factors is lack of gender identity. Individuals have expressed rejection from same sex peers. They have expressed how they have not felt masculine enough, compared to others. The longing for male connection becomes gender identity.

Bullying detaches. For example, people have been bullied for their looks and stature or size. This aggressive behavior has driven those who struggle from same-sex attraction feel disconnected.

Another potential factor is the longing for a father figure. This is driven because of personality interests from the father, abuse, and other interactions or lack of interactions. Individuals take things to heart. What they experience in early development can essentially affect a person’s perception, possibly leading them to same-sex attraction.

Many men have been sexually abused or touched inappropriately. Some men have never been touched at all, lacking connection or warmth from parents. This makes them vulnerable. 

Pornography is another factor that can reinforce imagery that might bring same-sex attraction or feelings. Some young men has said that thoughts and interests in same sex attraction developed in early views of pornography.

Individuals who struggle with this attraction have expressed pain and confusion. There has been a state of emptiness. Through thereapy you can come to understand where your actions come from. Through all this work it is not easy. There will be many mistakes made along the way, but it will be rewarding in the end, as stated by individuals who have recovered from same-sex attraction. Once a person sees what causes their homosexual feelings, Floyd Godfrey has learned that attraction was brought because of lack of connection with other men. 

Most men can pick out short defining points that are encouraging to them. This is when they notice that their attraction is diminished. Self-esteem began to arise when this step happened; security in self and masculinity was improved.

Dr. Stanton L. Jones has a significant study that shows that some people with unwanted same-sex attraction can change. It’s believed that this is not changeable.

Individuals who have overcome same-sex attraction has shared positive experiences in their turning point. Eventually, in time, their attraction for the opposite sex developed. Some individuals expressed the joy they felt once they were able to achieve the love and compassion for those of the opposite sex. They felt good and right. Nicolas Cummings (psychologist) has seen hundreds who changed and achieved very happy and heterosexual lives.

In my studies I learned that a person is one who decides in what they want to do. Everyone has a choice or agency. I respect If someone who wants to be gay. I respect people who wants to marry the same sex. But I respect the right to disagree. I am a person who doesn’t accept the practice due to personal background. This doesn’t mean I hate homosexuals. I have many family members and friends who are homosexual. I love them and choose to treat them any different. Again, every person decides what they want to do. I cannot change that.

COMING FROM TWO CULTURES

Culture is among us. It is a topic that is influential to the family; culture defines the family. It is a set of shared values, attitudes, and practices that describe an organization or group.

I come from two different cultures; Samoan culture and Mexican culture. In these cultures, activities are done together, traditionally as a family. Samoans and Mexicans are passionate in their faith, family and music. 

My father is Samoan. He has acquired many of their traditions, the biggest one being family. Samoans have an attitude of respect to all individuals, especially the elderly. The elderly are wise and are highly respected. In family reunions, feasting is a way of expressing thanks and love towards each other. The elderly are always served first, with children being last. Children are expected to serve the elderly in every occasion. Unity amongst extended family is important. Samoan families are so close that they often are raised with cousins, aunts, and uncles. Every family member knows each other very well.

Samoans are passionate in their faith. Once they are converted to a religion, they stick with it. 

My father has made this a focus to our home. His motto was, “God comes first on every aspect of our lives.” The way he expressed this was by family prayers over the dinner table, paying church tithing, and attend church every Sunday.

Last is music. Music adds joy to the Polynesian family. It adds joy to our presence and is a way of celebrating thanksgiving. Like mentioned before, doing activities is important. Music is one of the many activities they prioritize.

The same goes for Mexicans. My mother taught us to have pride in who we are. This culture is known for working hard. They work hard to provide and survive within the family. My mother comes from a family of immigrants. They are from Yucatan and chose to move to the states to better the family. In order to do this, my grandfather moved to the U.S and got the family’s paper work done. The sacrifice was leaving the family for a time. My grandmother was on her own, raising five children. This is where our emphasis of hard work came from. “You work to reach your dreams,” my grandmother said.

Once my Mexican family moved to the states they were grateful because of the support they received from friends in the U.S; they have had an attitude of respecting all persons. The family motto was to serve your fellow beings. Everyone deserves love and respect.

There are many attitudes my family has I appreciate. If I were to pick two aspects of my culture to improve, it would be faith and family. Both of my cultures came from hard circumstances. Many sacrifices were made, but they stood close to their faith. I come from a family who worship God. Faith helped them overcome the fears and struggles they faced.

The other is family. Family is important. They are in the individuals who have helped me become the person I am today. I give them a lot of credit. It is because of them I have come to value morals. These morals have helped shaped who I am today in wanting to help others find their own morals. These standards add purpose and importance to life.

I’ve pondered on how I can improve and implement these traditions. I’ve committed myself to learn about religion and how it’s positive perspectives can help bring good morals to the family. The other is family. Right now, I am currently doing Marriage and Family studies to better understand how I can implement a good household. There is a lot to do. 

The Family and Religion

“There are obstacles all around us. We labor hard to reach our goals. Sometimes we see no signs of progress. We can become exhausted and discouraged. We may even lose sight of our destination. But we must not give up. If we could only see above our current circumstances and know our true location on the journey to eternal life, we would realize what great progress we are making.” Dallin H. Oaks

The LDS faith is a major emphasis in my life. I grew up in the faith and have applied many teachings from it. I’ve come to learn that the teachings are very family oriented. We care about the quality of family and how they are needed to get through the struggles of life. As mentioned by Dallin Oaks, there are obstacles around us. Today, we are given much advice as to strengthen the family. Intelligent people throughout history have given theories as to raise a family. But I learned that these teachings can be limited. Family is divine. It is a unit that existed before this mortal life. I have come to know that a being called the Holy Ghost is what brings direction to the family. The Holy Ghost communicates through our feelings, telling us what is right or wrong. It’s like a conscious. This is a God given gift to help us even when we cannot see beyond discouraging obstacles. This Spirit reveals, day by day, to every person who has faith, to things that are most beneficial to us. 

I’d like to use my sister for an example. She is married, with six children. She was reading from the Bible one day and had a spiritual moment. She received inspiration from God to implement family traditions or practices that are aligned with gospel teachings. She felt inclined to hold family meetings once a week and have everyone do little activities such as, building things, drawing, cooking, and etc. After these activities they would gather in prayer and discuss about what they learned. This bonded her family in a way where they feel united and happy. My Sister thanks God for the Bible, for giving her such an idea. This is a simple example of how spiritual things can unify a religion family.

We live in a world of low standards. Marriage today is looked on as an option, not a necessity. This perspective takes away the importance of matrimony. Dallin H. Oaks shared in a talk, “Unwed mothers give birth to 40 percent of all children now being born in the United states. Many people live together without marriage. The children born from those relationships do not have the security of parents committed to one another by the marriage God ordained for our first parents in the Garden of Eden.” I couldn’t agree more with this statement.

He continues, “Marriage is essential…In other nations, we must ask, what kind of marriage? There are formal authorized by law, and there are various customary or tribal marriages that can be entered into and discontinued without much formality.”

The issues of what we face in marriage today could go on. But, what I want to get across is that we can receive guidance and that can be managed through a spiritual perspective. A family can be successful through gospel teachings. Both parties got to be on the same page and be unified. Marriage is all about devoting oneself to each other. Parental alliance is important. Sacrifices will be made, but will be worth it.